I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize