shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
