Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
