he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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