nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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