That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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