Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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