How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
