Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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