Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
