Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize