She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
