When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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