Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
