they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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