I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
