The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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