she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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