moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
