WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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