At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
