she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
