i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
