i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
