using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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