You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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