You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
