Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize