Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
