"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
whose parrot is this?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
