Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i'm inner monologue high
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
