Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
