dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
