remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
