you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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