don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
