i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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