Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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