I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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