is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
