sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
