What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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