I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
