Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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