you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I lost the right to judge tonight
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
