I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
