K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
