u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
