you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
