2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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