I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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