Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
