The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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