I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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