I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
