You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
