i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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