First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
