Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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