took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize