I am spending my child support on dildos
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
